Al-Fatehah

In my last post, I told a story about my Mak. A little bit of her life. I said, she’s gonna be 73 years old and Alhamdulillah she’s still in a good health. But apparently, Allah has a better plan. HE took her back 2 days after that post. 

It was so sudden. She just had a short of breath and immediately stopped breathing after about an hour. Earlier that evening, I called her and we talked as usual, she said she has eaten and was chit chatting with my aunt who had just arrived from Sabah. But after Isya’ she started to feel pain and it’s getting worse, I quickly drove back home. When I arrived at 1230am, there were already many people, reciting Yaasin for Mak. I saw her laying in the middle of the house, body fully covered. I didn’t get to see her before she closed her eyes. Till this moment, I still couldn’t believe that she’s really gone. 

How to live without Mak? 😞

How to accept that someone who always be there to love me, to scold me, is no longer in this world?

I know it takes time to fully redha, while I’m in the process to accept, adapt and adjust my life. 

Accept that nobody will wait for me at home. 

Accept that I can’t call her anymore. 

Accept that I no longer can eat her cooking. 

Accept that she had left me. 

This would be the  last time I called this number

And in my prayer after solat, I usually said;

“Ya Allah, ampunkanlah dosa ibuku, Rokiah binti Othman, panjangkanlah umurnya dan berikanlah dia kesihatan yang baik”

That’s what I’ve been saying for more than 20 years. But now, I need to adapt to;

“Ya Allah, cucurilah rahmatMu ke-atas roh Mak...”

Dan kadang-kadang, aku masih tersasul. 😞

Next week, I’ll be back to work. Although I don’t want to but I have to. I still unsure how to do it. 

And my mind still thinking, what’s next? Where should I be? I don’t know. 

Ya Allah, please guide me and I ask You to show me what’s best through Your knowledge. Hanya padaMu aku bermohon dan hanya padaMu aku meminta pertolongan. Amin~

Al-Fatehah to my beloved Mak, Rokiah binti Othman. You will always be remembered in my heart ❤️

Everyday is Mother's Day

I had one week off and went back hometown 3 days before Hari Raya celebration. I was cleaning out the house and this is what I found: 

My late father had a few diaries. I read some before but I don’t remember this one. This notes were written by mak. It’s the day I was born and the day ayah passed away.

Mak lost her husband at the age of 36, with 5 children and the last one was just 3 days old. She was a full-time housewife, living in KL, far from her parents. She’s not well educated but she had to find a job, worked and struggled to raise her kids, alone in KL. Mak said, there were people offered her to adopt me, but she refused to give in. Also, some guys came to propose her for a marriage but she rejected too. All she thought about was her children, to ensure they had enough money, enough food to live together.

After a couple of years, mak returned for good to her kampung as requested by her parents. Mak worked at many places, from canteen helper to dish washer. With low pay and underestimate job, I think it had drained her energy and changed her to be a bad-tempered person. Because I remember that I always get scolded. Eheh. But I kinda understand now, it’s difficult for her to juggle financially and emotionally for her children needs. I know she did her best to provide a living for us. Thankfully, although we were not in wealth, we’re not in poverty either.

Mak had worked for more than 20 years, until I finished my college. The last job was a dish washer at factory’s canteen. I hate to admit, there were times I felt embarrass about mak’s job. Please forgive me, I was still young and stupid. But now, I’m no other than proud of her.

In Mak’s life, she has lost many people she loved. A husband at her young age, her mother and father left when I was 12 years old, both less than a year and then her 25 years old daughter. She had 8 siblings, but only 4 left now. All I pray to Allah is to give her a good health and I don’t die before her. Aminn~

This year, Mak is turning 73 years old. Thank God, she’s still able to walk, eat, cook and do many things by herself. She doesn’t have any critical illnesses, only high-blood pressure and gout sometimes. But what worrying me is I noticed that she starts to forget things. It breaks my heart and made me realized that she’s getting old, very old, even though she looks healthy. I live far from her at the moment but I’m planning to go back by this year to live with her. I want to spend more time with her and take a good care of her.

Yes, hopefully.

My beautiful Mak.