I love to be ALONE.

Mak wasn’t around since yesterday. Went to our relative house in Subang. Ada kenduri. She'll be back on tomorrow. So I’m home alone…for 2 and a half days.

When I told Mak that I’m not going to follow her, she’s quite upset. Because when she asked me earlier, I said “Yea OK will go”. But I did that just to pleased her. The truth is, I never had a feeling to go. I intentionally don’t want to go. Eventho she urge me so hard, I still stick to my decision. And I just keep silence when she started to nag. It’s better than a quarrel. I knew she would be discontented for having me left home. (I’m such an 8 years old girl!) But I understand of her being so paranoid…

I’m so sorry…but I really don’t want to go. I just can’t having lot of people around me. I don’t want to answer What? Why? How? and so other questions. I don’t even have a mood to start a conversation with people. I think I already have a sickness or phobia or so called “Social anxiety disorder” which I had started to live with it. I prefer to be alone. I always hope to live by myself…or at least with some people that I want to be with.

Sometimes, we need to have a space just for our own. We need a time to be with ourself. Emotionally feel to be alone. To think of something. To feel of something. And this usually happen when we are in sadness. Yes I am.

But this is really not me. I still remember the feeling I had when I used to stay alone. I hate it and made me going nuts for feeling extremely bored. I just can’t sit still, doing nothing and be lonely. I definitely will go out, meet some friends or at least be surrounded with the crowd out there. But now I‘m totally poles apart…I think I’ve become someone else. I prefer to be alone rather than be in community.

Would I continue living like this? That a BIG question mark.

But at least I’m not scared of staying alone at home. I still can sleep very well at night. Tak macam Mak, she can’t be alone. Especially at night. That’s make her staying at my relatives house nearby when I’m not around…she’s funny.

So if I were destined to be alone for the rest of my life, I guess I can cope with it…alone till the later part of my existence…
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Is that what I really want? **Creepy...